How Not To Play Minecraft.

Background: There were so many Minecraft tutorials on YouTube that I decided to make my own… Except my aim was to make the absolute worst tutorial of all time. God save you if you try to follow this video.

This exchange is entirely between me and one other user:

Him: this tutorial wasnt very helpful for me. u can easily build your house out of dirt and be perfectly safe u just need to build it on all sides and have a roof

Me: That is a shame. I have been playing Minecraft Alpha for 16 years, I think I have an idea of what I am doing. You should do yourself a favor and at least TRY a cactus shelter in a dark cave. You will be much more successful.

Him: 16 years??? has it not only been out for 2 years? anyway i will give the cactus thing ago as it looks interesting but why in a cave?

Me: I am best friends with Notch. He gave me the game 16 years ago, when he first created it. It's important to make your cactus shelter in a cave because mob never spawns in caves. They only spawn in well-lit areas. You are most safe in a cave, with a shelter made either of cactus, trees, or water.

Him:  wow i never new it was in development that long, but mobs do spawn in caves and basically anywhere its dark

Me:  You must be thinking of something else. Mobs only spawn in well-lit areas.

Him: no i have minecraft and im playing it right now acctually. do u have the newest version with the tools and stuff where u craft things like torches? u have torches to light up places so mobs cant spawn

Me: Yes I always have the newest version. Mobs only spawn in well-lit areas. That's why you shouldn't use torches in caves.

Him: but that dosent make sense, notch even says on his forums that they only spawn in dark places. in the halloween update place have to be brighter the lower u get or mobs will spawn just go ask notch

Me: I did ask Notch. He said "Yeah, I was just lying to everyone haha."

Him: i dont beleive u -.- lol but you are wrong thats why they only spawn at night

Me: Well believe whatever you want, but you should try making a cactus shelter in a dark cave sometime.

Him:  can u put torches on cactus blocks? i might go try it now

Me:  I do not recommend using any torches at all. They make mob more likely to spawn. I also don't recommend ever leaving your shelter once you have made it. Just stay there until you win the game.

Him: lol but u cant win. so u just make a shelter and do nothing? that sucks

Me: You can win. It took me 9 years to do so, though.

Him: umm…yea…